My top 5 song of all time probably change daily. Even though they’re supposed to be ‘of all time’, it just depends what mood I’m in, where I am, or what I’m doing…
(I started writing this three months ago, and have only just finished it now.
Better late than never?)
One thing I can say for certain is that this past year has changed me. Challenging my independence, patience, and maturity, so I think it’s safe to say I have grown from the whole experience. I don’t think enough people emphasise just how testing a year abroad is. Of course, I am glad I went, I learnt so much! However, it was likely the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. At the beginning I wasn’t even sure if I could do it. I have always known I could do anything I set my mind to, but in the back of my mind there had been this doubt that a year abroad would just be too much. Yet here I am a year on, and I am coming out the other side stronger for it.
As you may have noticed, I’ve not written in a while. This is partly due to how busy I have been since I got home, and partly due to being unsure what to write. Though recently I’ve gone through a few revelations of different sorts, and I decided that was probably a good place to start…
Only six weeks left in China, and I’m starting to stress about all that comes with reaching the end of term, with the addition of figuring out how to get a year’s worth of things in one suitcase that must weight less than 35kg… It will be a great feat to say the least! Especially after visiting the Disney Store in Shanghai, I’m quite concerned about how much I will actually be able to fit into it. I’m also trying to fit more adventuring in before I leave. Since I last posted I’ve been to Shanghai and Tianjin. Both cities were amazing, though I have to say Shanghai was far more snazzy (snazzy? I don’t think I’ve used that word in a long time) as it had so many tall and beautiful buildings, and who doesn’t get wowed by seeing The Bund for the first time!?
This coming Thursday the temperature is supposed to go up to 38°C in Beijing, and as a Scotswoman I am not built for this kind of heat. As we edge into summer I have resorted to bringing a “ice cushion” (it’s basically a giant ice pack, but it has cute penguins on it) to class to keep me cool, and recently purchased a fan attachment that plugs into my phone. Yes, I am that weak. Thankfully I have plenty going on to keep my mind off the scorching heat.
One year away from graduating, and a couple months away from completing my year abroad, and to be honest, I’m rather stressed. My thoughts keep drifting to the future, and the ever looming fear that my life’s achievements peaked in high school doesn’t help. I have always dreamt big, and I don’t think that will ever change, but the worry that I’m not advancing and progressing as quickly as I need to to achieve all that I want to achieve, makes everything feel that much harder. I think about my plan, my next steps; do a masters, work on a production crew, gain experience, write my own films, make my own films, work my way up the ladder… It all just feels like if one part crumbles away, if I don’t quite hit the mark, it’ll all fall apart, and it’s terrifying. Of course, I’ve never been one to give up, and if one plan fails, you make another. Yet the whole idea that I turn 21 this year, and my childhood is now behind me, just leaves me without words. My life is flashing past, and I don’t want to look back in old age and have wasted it.
I’ve almost forgotten what it sounds like, silence. In the hustle and bustle of Beijing, there quietness is hard to find. From the beeps, peeps, and hums of cars outside my window, to the whirl of my fan, there isn’t much quiet to be found around here. Purely the population size should have clued me in to the fact ambient noise was going to be constant, but there is a complete lack of lull at any time, day or night. Whereas in my room at home, it gets to about 8pm and the most noise I’ll ever get is a rain storm outside, and I find those soothing, so I’m kinda missing the peace and quiet at this point.