It’s 11pm, I’m in the library, and although I should be focusing on my essay, I find myself unable to. Now, this may sound like every university student during exam and deadline season who just wants it to all be over so summer can start, but I think there’s something else to it. I let life get in the way of my work far too often. I let my mind go over everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, over-analysing all of it and just stressing myself out way too much. Life is difficult enough without getting worked up about the past. I should probably be more concerned about the future, but here I am, shaking my head at myself and not really knowing why I can’t just get my shit together and get my work done. Maybe it’s cause I’m scared of just how quickly time is passing, I do find myself staring at my calendar and freaking out at the fact I have less than 8 weeks left of Second Year. Fear tends to have two effects, you either freeze or you run… I think this could be classified as a freezing moment… Or it could be that I have so many things on my mind, that putting everything into a realistic timetable to get it all done, just seems like an impossible task. I could make up a long list of reasons why everything seems to come before writing 3,000 words of ‘insight’ into Hong Kong Cinema even though it’s due in less than 3 weeks, but that would just be more procrastination.
I look out the window and think, I have to just forget about all the crap putting me down at the moment and focus on my work. I’d be happier for it. Sometimes I think my productiveness peaked in school with my Highers and Advanced Highers. My ability to multitask and my work ethic was on point back then, I don’t really know what happened. I think the introduction to all the amazing people I’m now friends with, and the lack of parents around may have something to do with it. It’s easy to distract yourself at university. So how do I stop distracting myself? I’m not quite sure, it’s always easier said than done. I want to be a good student though, to go above and beyond, so I can look back and say that if nothing else I tried my hardest. 拼命 (pīnmìng), it means to work desperately, to work to your utmost ability. When I look back at my years at uni, I want to be able to say that’s how I was. Not so I can say I got a good degree classification or high module grades (though that would be nice, too), but so I can be proud of me as a person and my ability to push myself. I may not enjoy the topic of this essay I should be writing right now, but I need to do it and it is just one small thing that will help me get to where I need to be in life. So, from now on, I need to prioritise work and revision, and push myself to work as hard as I know I can. Work isn’t always the most important thing, but if I want to achieve all I aspire to, I guess it’s pretty damn important. And hey, once I get this one out the way, I can start the essay I’m really excited for. See, there’s always a bright side!