I think my main problem with writing isn’t coming up with ideas, but the fact that my ideas often branch off into a hundred random tangents, and so what I write about ends up kind of messy. Structuring what I want to say and keeping it to the point just becomes difficult. Especially at night when my mind runs at a million miles an hour. You know when you are trying to go to sleep, and for some reason your tired mind decides now is the perfect time to come up with those award-winning ideas (or what your sleep deprived mind thinks are award-winning ideas) and you just can’t stop over-analysing everything. Yeah, I get like that a lot. (A good old existential crisis is always fun at 12am, right?) I lie awake in bed a lot, just thinking about things that have happened recently or ideas I have for the future. It’s probably one of the best times to think, in my opinion. It’s quiet, no one expects anything of you at that time of night, and the only thing you are avoiding at that point is sleep, and who needs that? (Me. I need sleep. I need eight hours or I am a zombie all day. Like, seriously, sleep is so important to me.)
It’s an odd sense of freedom being awake with no responsibilities in the middle of the night. I open my window now and then, to let the night air in. I like to lie on my bed with the cool breeze and just imagine going for a walk around uni. (Imagining going for a walk is safer than actually walking around on my own at night. If I wasn’t slightly paranoid about getting stabbed, I would probably actually go for that walk one day.) I’d like to be able to go sit and stargaze, but that requires little light pollution, and again, a badly lit area at night isn’t screaming “super safe and smart idea”, so maybe not. It’d be nice if the world was safe enough that I could do that though. But back to my point (if I had one); the night (though dark and full of terrors (sorry, I had to)) has a lot of freedom and calm to it. Ideas flow freely because you’ve had a moment to relax and shake off all the responsibilities of the day. I mean, it’s not always the case, students working in the library right now would definitely disagree with me. Yet, for me, it tends to be true. The night falls outside my window, and my mind just starts to let go, it lets out a deep sigh and things start to become clearer. Thoughts seem to flow better, and I have that space I need to figure things out.
However, at the same time, night has its down sides too, and not just losing sleep. It’s ironic, but things do tend to seem a lot darker at night, and not in the ‘light’ type sense. You are confronted with the things you had been distracting yourself from, the thoughts you had been avoiding. Everything wrong and sucky with the world eventually hits you, and dealing with it all isn’t so easy. Sometimes you just have to try to sleep, and wait for day, hoping it will allow the stress to subside for another eight hours or so. I think as well, the fact you tend to be alone at night doesn’t help. Silence being deafening and all that. At least when people are there and you’re sad or angry about something, you don’t feel so lonely in having to deal with it. You try to keep a strong face in front of them, but once you’re alone, it’s a different story. Letting it out and no one seeing can be both cathartic and extremely lonely. You don’t want anyone to see you in a state, and for someone to tell you it’s all going to be okay at the same time.
One of the controversial moments in life, I suppose, wishing to be comforted but not seem weak. Thing is, I’ve never felt emotions and not being okay, makes you weak. To me, emotions, in their wide range and varied intensities, are one of the things that makes life so worth living. (Look, another tangent, but I don’t care, I’m running with it.) People get sad sometimes, it’s a fact of life, it’s what you do about it that makes you weak or strong. But at night, when it’s just you and all the things weighing you down, it’s difficult to just try to get through it. (See, getting back to the point… Sort of…) Sometimes just crying your eyes out it is all you need to do. I mean, almost nothing feels better than after you’ve had a good cry and just let it all out. Then you go to bed, and you curl up under the duvet and just fall asleep, and wake up in the morning having to deal with all the stuff you didn’t get finished yesterday. And it falls into a cycle of the day thoughts that force you to do your chores, and write those essays, and revise your notes from class. But then you have your night thoughts. Thoughts of where you are going to end up in the world, what you are going to do next week, why that friend said what they did today or why you snapped at that stupid joke… And you need both, because they balance you out somehow. They make you whole. You just have to keep living each day and try to find the things that make pushing forward easier and worth it. So let the night come, and try to use it the best you can, and if you have to, give in to a little sadness when needed. And when day comes, you pull yourself up, do what you need to do, and if you want to, you can ask for help. Cause try to remember, life is easier with friends.
So I found a poem I wrote a while back relating to this topic and I thought I would share it with you all. It’s just called: The Night and The Day:
It’s when the dark comes to swallow you up,
When night sweeps over you, all alone,
That is when things are bleakest,
When the world seems irreparably empty,
That is when I feel I cannot face the next day.
Oh, but when day comes,
The light floods every surface,
Fills every shadow, and all seems a little better,
Our pains shrunk,
Our sorrows put into the light and shown as they are,
Fleeting, taking up a blink of our lives,
The night and the day,
Ever breaking and fixing our tiny mortal hearts.