One year away from graduating, and a couple months away from completing my year abroad, and to be honest, I’m rather stressed. My thoughts keep drifting to the future, and the ever looming fear that my life’s achievements peaked in high school doesn’t help. I have always dreamt big, and I don’t think that will ever change, but the worry that I’m not advancing and progressing as quickly as I need to to achieve all that I want to achieve, makes everything feel that much harder. I think about my plan, my next steps; do a masters, work on a production crew, gain experience, write my own films, make my own films, work my way up the ladder… It all just feels like if one part crumbles away, if I don’t quite hit the mark, it’ll all fall apart, and it’s terrifying. Of course, I’ve never been one to give up, and if one plan fails, you make another. Yet the whole idea that I turn 21 this year, and my childhood is now behind me, just leaves me without words. My life is flashing past, and I don’t want to look back in old age and have wasted it.
I’ve almost forgotten what it sounds like, silence. In the hustle and bustle of Beijing, there quietness is hard to find. From the beeps, peeps, and hums of cars outside my window, to the whirl of my fan, there isn’t much quiet to be found around here. Purely the population size should have clued me in to the fact ambient noise was going to be constant, but there is a complete lack of lull at any time, day or night. Whereas in my room at home, it gets to about 8pm and the most noise I’ll ever get is a rain storm outside, and I find those soothing, so I’m kinda missing the peace and quiet at this point.
It’s been a few months since I’ve written a blog post, mostly because every few weeks when I start writing something, I end up deciding it isn’t good enough or just isn’t right. I may return to a couple of them and see if I can make anything from them, but for the moment I think I’ll just reflect on the past seven weeks back in China.